It's always painful when you get actual closure on a relationship. When you hit that point where you say - in no way could I ever sit across from that person at a table and look them them in eye ever again. The breaking point can be different each time, but you always know it when you careen into it. I've had several closure moments - one of which was today.
I haven't spoken to a former friend in several months due to an incident in which I was hurt deeply. This person recently sent me a birthday card, which confused and ... I dare admit... gave me a twinge of hope that perhaps we could speak once again. But today I was given my answer: Absolutely not! After our long disconnect, I did expect for the subject of WHY there was a disconnect to be brought up .. maybe even act interested in my feelings or a little apologetic (rather than a nonchalant How You Been?... kind of in tune with Haven't heard from you in a while... as though nothing was at issue. ). After a forced, insincere apology, this person added a "butt" and then a stubborn justification as to why that apology was insincere. This stubborn "but" -once given - well... it HAD to be known that this "but" would end all possibility of any reconciliation. And yet there the "but" was. Once I seen that "but" I knew.... I knew that this person didn't get it.... nor get me.
You see, I have a problem with people known their actions hurt me, but they refuse to ask why. Rather, they assume my reasoning. But this conclusion is formulated using only one side of the equation - their own! Therefore, they have THEIR ego behind why *I* feel a certain way.
To not even entertain that there may possibly be another reason - other than their own - as to why someone is upset/hurt/angry is arrogant.Their ego and sense of righteousness forbids them from seeing any other possible explanations or opinions other than their own. And because they only see from their own position, they can acquit themselves from all wrongdoing and justify their actions. Then blame can be shifted back to the person who is hurt, because they are being irrational or in some other way - wrong.
And that's when I walk away.
A true friend will ask why you're hurt. They won't assume it. They will entertain the idea that, perhaps, they don't fully understand why you're hurt or angry or disappointed. They will apologize for hurting you - even if it were unintentional and even if they truly don't think they are in the wrong... but merely because you are hurting - and the apology will come without prompting. They will be open to understanding your feelings and want to clear the air. This is the mark of a true friendship. An even relationship with mutual respect. This is what I wanted. This is what I was hoping for today. To be asked why I felt hurt and for this old friend to make some type of attempt to make amends.
All I wanted was for my feelings to be acknowledged and to to be asked why I was so hurt... "but" that didn't happen. My feelings were incorrectly assumed. And now, my once beloved and adored ex-friend will never know why I felt the way I did. I doubt the ex-friend will ever figure it out... and given today's events, even cares to.
Such a shame.
